Good friday funny. Here's a link to the actual unedited article (don't open while your boss is standing behind you).
Rivalfish's Online Magazine: The Rival Room
Bob Knight, we hardly knew ye. Actually, I guess that's not even remotely true. We probably knew more about you than was needed, but luckily not as much as we know about Rick Majerus. Robert Montgomery Knight- American, patriot, American patriot- called it quits this week after 43 years as a college basketball head coach. So I'm sure you're wondering what Knight will do now with all his free time. Lucky for you, we've got all the exclusive details. Here's what a day in the suddenly leisurely life of The General will be like from his perspective:
5:00 AM: Wake up. Although, what you call sleeping or rest, I call wasting time. 5:00 AM is merely when I get out of bed, I do not sleep. You're unprotected while you sleep. Sleep is a time when an enemy could attack you. I merely unclench my fists for 3 hours a night. Some holistic ******** my doctor recommends, says it's supposed to "help me relax." WHO THE HELL SAYS I"M NOT ******* RELAXED?
5:30 AM: Read the morning paper. It's a good way to angry up the blood early in the day.
6:00 AM: Time for breakfast. I like a solid, hearty breakfast. Maybe some steak and eggs or the brains of an endangered animal served in the skull of another endangered animal. Even though my wife prepares the meal, I make her taste every bite before I do. You cannot trust anyone.
7:30 AM: Time for morning calisthenics. I used to like to work along with "Kiana's Flex Appeal" on ESPN2 until they canceled it. I bet this has something to do with that smug little bastard Jeremy Schaap. He probably did this just to spite me.
8:30 AM: I like to end my work out with some pilates and yoga. It helps me find my center.
9:00 AM: Now that I've found serenity, it's time for some quality time with my wife. This usually ends in a fight.
10:00 AM: It's time to head to the local hospital for some good old fashioned philanthropy. This usually ends in a fight.
11:00 AM: The hospital security guard stopped me and asked if I had an appointment. Gave me a real funny look, may have been the stink eye. He was just a kid, yet he showed me no respect. I promptly scheduled him an appointment with the inside of the hallway trash can.
NOON: Yes, retirement is truly the good life. Nothing but rest and relaxation. And when I really want to unwind, I can play a pleasant round of golf with friends whenever I want.
2:00 PM: At heart I'm a sportsman, and all of this extra time gives me time to pursue my other passion, hunting. There's just something about shooting something that gives you a kind of satisfaction you can never achieve from strangling or head-butting it.
3:00 PM: Some guy just came up and asked me to stop spraying his house with shotgun pellets. I calmly explained to him that the law states that I'm allowed to hunt in this particular location and that he wasn't going to be able to stop me. He told me I was violating his property. I suggested he just lay back and try to enjoy it.
5:00 PM: Heading home, but I can't stop thinking about that man who came up to me while I was hunting. Time was, no man alive would dare come near me while I was brandishing a firearm. That's the one thing about retirement, it makes people feel like they can talk to me without fear of an outburst. I'm thinking I should have fired a warning shot into the air, just to scare him off. Ah well, we learn from our mistakes. Or at least most people do.
6:30 PM: Time for dinner. If I bag anything then we'll grill that up. Otherwise, it's Mamwhich.
9:00 PM: Call Myles Brand. Breathe heavily into the phone. Hang up.
10:00 PM: Another relaxing day has come to an end and I can literally just feel the stress melting off of my body. Time to relax and watch some TV. Now, WHERE THE HELL IS THAT GODDAMN ******* REMOTE CONTROL? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN THIS GODDAMN TV ON IF I DON'T HAVE THE ******* REMOTE? ANSWER ME THAT! ANSWER ME THAT OR SHUT THE **** UP AND GET OUT.
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