OT: Advice (Long?)

**Cyclone62** · 03-30-2007, 01:26 PM

You may need to just ride this one out. If you truly love her, then the wait will be worth it and only make you both stronger in the end. Be careful of moving on too soon b/c then she will feel she is justified for not trusting you. If this continues for more than six months you should maybe think of moving on.

This reminds me amyk. Something I forgot to mention; she also recently told me that she wants me to pretend that the decisions I make still would effect us (as in a couple), but to "date other people" if I felt that I needed to. I really see no way that I could be able to base my decisions to do what I would want to, and still act like I'm in a relationship doing what I feel I should be doing at the same time. For example, when I went to study with some girl friends from class; she got upset because I didn't tell her that she wouldn't be able to reach me, making her worry. She felt at that point, that I wasn't showing a total committment at the time. Some poeple have told me that if I truly love her, that I would have let her know anyway instead of just doing that; others, that she's being unreasonable with that kind of a request at this point.

**cytheguy** · 03-30-2007, 01:29 PM

I was in your shoes about 8 years ago and know what you’re going through. She broke up with me after two years and I started to blame myself for it by saying things like I took her for granted, etc. You can't do that, man. I then did similar things as you did like give her flowers, cards, etc. Basically tried to win her back by smothering her. Unfortunately, as I learned, it almost never works. She needs time to miss you, and constantly putting pressure on her to jump back into the relationship doesn’t help. My best advice, as hard as it is, is to let her go right now. Go out and have fun. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Start working out. Stick to your plan of quitting smoking and cutting down on drinking. Do things to better your future. But do it for YOU, not her. Doing stuff like that will make her want you back, not smothering her. And who knows, chances are when that day comes you won’t want her back.

Funny thing is, I thought I wanted my girlfriend back so bad at the time. But then I started doing the things I mentioned above like doing my own thing, going out, etc. And when my ex finally came around and wanted me back because she knew I was doing just fine without her, I had already met someone else who was perfect for me. We’ve been together since. Happily married too.

Hang in there, and good luck.

**cycloneworld** · 03-30-2007, 01:32 PM

Cyclone62...I have been in almost this exact same situation. I was 1 year removed from ISU while my girlfriend of 3+ years was a senior. Everything was going great and then BAM...she breaks out the "you take me for granted, we need a break" talk. I didn't see it coming and it hurt.

My advice:
Make sure this is actually the reason for the "break". Girls like to use this as an excuse for something else...the "I need a break" excuse is just an easy way for them to let you down easier. In my case, it wasn't because she really needed a break...however, in certain cases breaks can actually work...don't get me wrong. But I'd just make sure the true reasons she asked for the break.

Don't let her drag you on. No one deserves that. I'm glad you are bettering yourself. Just make sure that you are doing it for the right reason, and not just to get your gf "back".

It's easy to say now but it's not the end of the world if you don't get back together with her. It will hurt for awhile, but there are other people out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

My girlfriend and I never ended up getting back together after this "break" and it couldn't have worked out better for me. Sure I was hurt for awhile but I learned so much from that relationship and now have found someone that treats me great and I know how to better recipricate those feelings.

Sorry for the long-winded response, but I kinda know what you are going through (even though I've never met you).

**HILLCYD** · 03-30-2007, 01:33 PM

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

**amyk33** · 03-30-2007, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by Cyclone62

she also recently told me that she wants me to pretend that the decisions I make still would effect us (as in a couple), but to "date other people" if I felt that I needed to. I really see no way that I could be able to base my decisions to do what I would want to, and still act like I'm in a relationship doing what I feel I should be doing at the same time.

Yeah, this is a fairly common girl thing. It's really a bait and switch. She's testing you to see your interest in other girls. B/c if you flinch, then she will take that as you not truly be as into it as she is. My judgment would be that this is immature and would agree with the unreasonable aspects, however, the girl needs to be cut a little bit of slack. Again, she's more than likely talking to all of her friends about this situation and is confused as to what path to take.

I'm not exactly the "every girl" kind of girl. These tactics don't make sense to me, but somewhere in my deepest resevoir as a female it oddly makes sense.

You have to consider what you want and base your decisions around that. If you want to be in a relationship with her, then make your decisions accordingly--not because she has asked you to do so, but because you want to.

**Cyclone62** · 03-30-2007, 01:35 PM

Funny thing is, I thought I wanted my girlfriend back so bad at the time. But then I started doing the things I mentioned above like doing my own thing, going out, etc. And when my ex finally came around and wanted me back because she knew I was doing just fine without her, I had already met someone else who was perfect for me. We’ve been together since. Happily married too.

Hang in there, and good luck.

Therein lies my predicament. I have started to do my own thing. I'm not doing anything for her at this point. She knows this, that's why she says that she wants to get back together. However, I feel like I'm just being toyed with; and that if she really does want to work this all out, she'll do it. I'm just tired of that feeling. I'm thinking about giving her an ultimatum at this point because I'm at such a loss for what to really do with myself. I don't do things I don't want to, but I feel that if I just sit on my hands anymore about this I'm going to lose it and tell her to just **** off, because she's toying with my feelings.

**MaxPower57** · 03-30-2007, 01:37 PM

My man a girl can make a man happier than you ever thought possible and sadder too. They are f'd up creatures. The flowers, poems, etc. aren't going to do the trick. Girls say they want this, but in reality they want someone who could really care less, so being a jerk may to be your advantage as strange as that sounds.

Instead of trying to convince her that you are good enough, live knowing you are and start going on dates and such, make a lot of female friends. Girls are very jealous so if she sees you w/ other females she will want you. Whether you still want her after that is still up in the air.

College is too short to worry so have fun and live your life. Yours in bros before hoes, Max

**amyk33** · 03-30-2007, 01:37 PM

I also agree with Cycloneworld's assessment. The feelings might be strong and intense now b/c you are in the midst of this. That is why doing things for yourself will ultimately provide the most clarity.

**URBCLONE** · 03-30-2007, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by MaxPower57

My man a girl can make a man happier than you ever thought possible and sadder too. They are f'd up creatures. The flowers, poems, etc. aren't going to do the trick. Girls say they want this, but in reality they want someone who could really care less, so being a jerk may to be your advantage as strange as that sounds.

Instead of trying to convince her that you are good enough, live knowing you are and start going on dates and such, make a lot of female friends. Girls are very jealous so if she sees you w/ other females she will want you. Whether you still want her after that is still up in the air.

College is too short to worry so have fun and live your life. Yours in bros before hoes, Max

Ok, why as I read through this thread do I keep thinking of the old saying guys = dogs, gals = cats? (No offense intended here either).

**shakes20** · 03-30-2007, 01:40 PM

Wow, this is a tough one. The only advice that I can offer is from my own personal life (and seeing as how much of that is a mess, my opinion should be taken with a truck load of salt...).

I was married to the same woman for 14 years. We had four children together. I will admit that I married her because it was the right thing to do (she was pregnant with my first child). I admit that I took her for granted, didn't pay enough attention to her, always assumed that someday I would be able to give her the affection that she needed, but I never did. One day she said that maybe we should separate, that maybe we should start seeing other people. That was a shock to me. I told her that I needed a few days to process that, and then I got an email from this other guy. He apologized for how he felt about my wife and the feelings that she had for him, he said it was an accident, and swore that nothing physical had ever happened.
I told her it was over right then and there.
Two weekends later I got a hotel room for her so that she could "figure things out. I found out that she spent the weekend with this other guy.

O.k., all of that was a preface to this... I came to my senses, I realized that I couldn't just throw everything away like that and there were four children to consider (plus the fact that I was willing to admit that I was at fault as much as she was). I asked her to work things out with me, I made promises (sincere), vowed to change past behavior (for her; good for you for realizing that you should never change for other people, but for yourself Cyclone62), and began writing her loving notes and being the romantic that I had always wanted to be.
It wasn't enough (or it was too late, either one, but that doesn't matter). The important thing is, a year from now, five years from now, fifty years from now I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say that, while I may have screwed some things up, I tried to fix it. I will have no regrets about my efforts to repair our relationship. I will not have to beat myself up over the question of "what if?” She made the final decision and that is her problem.
I know that I am at a different point in my life than you are right now. I know that the circumstances that you are dealing with are not the same as the ones that I am dealing with. But when you have the rest of your life in front of you, this moment will only be a blink of the eye compared with the rest of your life. If you love her, give it some time. If she chooses another direction then that is her problem and you can walk away without regret. If she chooses you then this will be proof of your love for each other for the rest of your life.

On a more positive note... Since our separation, I have found someone new. A beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving, caring, fantastic (I'm gushing now), amazing woman that has made me happier than I think I have ever been in my entire life (on top of that, she is a Cyclone fan that followed me to Minneapolis to be at the game between ISU and Georgia a week and a half ago). I guess my point is that it will all work out in the end, but you need to be able to live with your own choices even if you can't control the choices of others.

I hope that helps some. Good luck to you. Feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything.

**shakes20** · 03-30-2007, 01:46 PM

Wow! We all have such similar experiences and yet so different. We have all learned such different lessons. I can not discount or disagree with anything that has been posted here. I just have to go back to what I said at the start of my post... Wow, this is a tough one.

I have said it as part of another thread, but I need to say it once again; Thank goodness for Cyclone fans. We may not always agree on everything, but I am sure that we are among the best people on earth. We respect and help others. Go Cyclones!

**hfthomp** · 03-30-2007, 01:46 PM

Women are crazy.

**Cyclone62** · 03-30-2007, 01:52 PM

For some of you that may be thinking that I did the white rose and poems stuff for her instead of myself; that's not why I did it. I did do it for myself, those are things that I always do (I'm a nerdy romantic). I had the poems back-logged, thinking I'd get to them later; giving them to her has actually made me realize that I don't "need" her, but that I do just want to be with her. She knows this as well, which is why I think I may just need to tell her than I'm through trying to deal with it all if she feels she isn't sure. What I want to do and what I feel like I "should" (not want to do) are different. That's why I'm confused. I just don't feel like I can deal with this kind of confusion anymore, which is why I asked for help; to try and clear it up. You guys have helped a bit, but I don't feel like I can wade through this fog of unclarity anymore. She knows what she wants, she just IS afraid that I'll take her for granted again, which is understandable. I just feel like I'm at my wits end. Wow, that felt really good to write.

P.S. I hate literary theory; so I'm not going today. Sorry Sally.