OT: Advice (Long?)

[htownclone]

Originally Posted by Cyclone62

Wow, that just creeped me out a bit. Also, thanks for the anonymous neg rep, tools.

I wasn't trying to be creepy, was just kidding.

PS I didn't give you negative rep. Look, I'll give you positive rep, hooray!

[Michael Lastuvka]

You gotta ask yourself, what would Joakim Noah do?

[shakes20]

I can't believe this... I just got negative rep for what I posted! Can anyone please explain what I did wrong? Did I say something offensive or derogatory? The only comment on the negative rep was "woman." I don't get that. Why would someone choose to be mean in a thread like this? Please help me understand...

[Cyclone62]

Originally Posted by shakes20

I can't believe this... I just got negative rep for what I posted! Can anyone please explain what I did wrong? Did I say something offensive or derogatory? The only comment on the negative rep was "woman." I don't get that. Why would someone choose to be mean in a thread like this? Please help me understand...

Don't take offense to it. They're just anonymous tools who are too afraid to show who they are. Apparently, having complex feelings is a womanly trait that "real men" don't have. Maybe the Cure was right... maybe "Boys don't cry"....

[Cyclonesrule91]

I see now that a lot of us have had the same kind of relationship with somebody that was really confusing at the time. In my case I was with a girl for 2 years right after I graduated from ISU. It started out great but got real weird before it was over. The biggest thing I remember was thinking it was my fault that something wasn't working out and trying to make up for lost time. Looking back now, I know that I knew in my heart what I wanted to do, but emotions got in the way and overruled what I knew was right in my head at the time. I finally got away from her and, as has been posted here quite a few times, am very happy that it did end even though it truly sucked for awhile. Since, I have met my wife and found out that it doesn't have to be like running a marathon every day to make a relationship work. I now have an awesome wife for over 10 yrs and have 3 awesome daughters and wouldn't trade none of it for nothing else..

I say all that to give credibility to what I stated earlier in the thread. Your emotions can play some wicked games on you when you are in the heat of battle, but your heart will tell you what you need to do, you just have to throw out the emotional side to hear what you know is right inside. And of course praying about it so something not so obvious to you can be revealed to you is always helpful too.

Good Luck

[jparker22]

Originally Posted by cys_av8r

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

That is soo money and you don't even know it baby.

[jtd9046]

Sounds to me like you never broke up and you are still together. Call it what you want or what she wants, but you are tied down.

The mind games have to stop.

[cycloneworld]

Originally Posted by Cyclone62

That's why I'm confused. I just don't feel like I can deal with this kind of confusion anymore, which is why I asked for help; to try and clear it up. You guys have helped a bit, but I don't feel like I can wade through this fog of unclarity anymore. She knows what she wants, she just IS afraid that I'll take her for granted again, which is understandable. I just feel like I'm at my wits end. Wow, that felt really good to write.

Put the ball in her court. Tell her you want to be with her but don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Tell her it's her move...again that you want to be with her but you aren't going to die without her. Tell her it's up to her to decide what SHE wants.

[Cyclone62]

Originally Posted by jtd9046

Sounds to me like you never broke up and you are still together. Call it what you want or what she wants, but you are tied down.

The mind games have to stop.

That's what I've been thinking as well. I think that's why I need to do what I'm planning on doing tonight. Either it's off for good, or it's back on and we can work it out. I'm just really tired of these mind-games.

Why are women so GOOD at these things? And why are men so HORRIBLE at them?

[clone52]

Originally Posted by Cyclone62

Ok people out there in CF-Land, I need some advice. Well, here goes:
Alright, me and my girlfriend of 3 years started taking time apart from each other about 3 months ago. At first I didn't understand why, but I realized that I had started to take her for granted, that she would always be there with me. So, even though we were broken-up, I started to show how much she does mean to me. I started these things about 3 months ago; sending her cards, a white rose with poems I'd written about her, stuff like that. It's not that I'm "desperate" to keep her, just that I truly love her; and wanted to show her that even though we weren't necessarily together. She told me at the start that she wanted to be able to get back together, back to the way things had used to be before I started taking her for granted. However, it was my intention to better myself for my own sake (I quit smoking and drinking because I wanted to, and this gave me my own reason to; not for someone else).

Recently, she said that she "knows" she wants to get back together; but that was almost three weeks ago. I've been getting conflicting opinions from people about what I should do. She's told me that I should do what I "want to, or feel that I should do." What I want to do, and feel like I should be doing are different things, though. I feel like I should just say "forget it," and that if she doesn't realize that I've become a better person for myself, and can be who I was earlier yet, than she never really will; and that I should just start seeing other women. However, that's not what I want to do; I want to be with her, (her friends are becoming jealous of the things I'm doing for her, and we're not even dating), that's why I feel like I maybe should just "move on," instead of "moving back."

Any advice from you guys? I'm at a total loss of what I should possibly do here.

What is the reason that you feel you should just forget it? Is it because that she says you should do what you want or feel what you should do? Seems to me that if she knows she wants to get back together, she might just want to make sure that you know you want to get back together.

Someone mentioned that if she's not sure she wants to get together, that you should go your separate ways. Well, if everyone thought like that, no one would be sure they wanted to get together and there would be no relationships. If everyone thought "I am sure I want to be together, as long as the other person is sure", then no one would be together since everyone has the "as long as the other person is sure" exception to their sureness.

[clone52]

Originally Posted by Cyclone62

This reminds me amyk. Something I forgot to mention; she also recently told me that she wants me to pretend that the decisions I make still would effect us (as in a couple), but to "date other people" if I felt that I needed to. I really see no way that I could be able to base my decisions to do what I would want to, and still act like I'm in a relationship doing what I feel I should be doing at the same time. For example, when I went to study with some girl friends from class; she got upset because I didn't tell her that she wouldn't be able to reach me, making her worry. She felt at that point, that I wasn't showing a total committment at the time. Some poeple have told me that if I truly love her, that I would have let her know anyway instead of just doing that; others, that she's being unreasonable with that kind of a request at this point.

We were on a break!!!

[jtdoyle1]

I think you need to watch the movie "Swingers" Some people above have quoted the movie but when I was reading your situation that is what popped into my head.

Also, be honest with her and don't play games. If you have to play games to get her affection neither of you are mature enough to make the relationship blossom into a lifelong relationship.

[Knownothing]

Trust me you can't keep up the pace with the beggining relationship love sick you were in at the beggining of it. If she did not except you for being the NORMAL person that you are then you will never be able to keep up the good restart that you are trying. My wife realized that I could not keep up the pace of trying to impress her all the time with flowers and expensive dinner type stuff. She likes who I am enough that she would not leave and make me go back to the way I was. She is different also. I understand that. So if she truly loves the man she is with then she would have never left. If she does not like the less impressive version of you then you don't need it. She will always use it against you. She is living a pipe dream if she thinks she is going to get flowers every week. My personal opinion.

[Stormin]

Is she a Cyclone or a Hawkeye? If she's a Hawkeye dump her.

I take it there is no intimacy? If there isn't, I would probably tell her that you are thinking of moving on. That you really love her, but if she can't see you two together that you need to get on with your life. Tell her that the break has been good, that you are now a better person and that you want her along for what should be a great life. But you can't just be left in limbo. Then move on. If you see her, talk to her and say hi. But keep it brief and move on. If it is meant to be she will come back. If not you will have spared yourself some heartache.

The same thing happened to me years ago. We went our separate ways. We crossed paths a few times but I finally quit tormenting myself about her and moved on. Twenty years or so later we crossed paths again and talked. Both married with children. She proceeded to tell me that her life was ho-hum and basically telling me she had made a mistake by not getting back together with me. Kept asking me if I was really happy. I told her that my life was great (It is). And that it was too bad she wasn't with me as she would be having a great time in life. I told her she was too late that I was married with children. She whispered in my ear that she still loved me, kissed me on the cheek, and she sadly walked away. I left feeling vindicated and my wife and I had a romping good time. You will survive.

[MaxPower57]

Well I just got some neg rep that pretty much said i was a pu$$y. Well tough guy, why didn't you leave your name with that statement? Also, go f!ck urself.