I can’t believe I have to ask this but I’m at a loss. Some of you may remember my oldest (12) being threatened to be stabbed last year and nothing happening about it.
Well now my middle one is in KG and has been dealing with bullies since the first week. We found out last week when he came home with a full lunch and said he couldn’t eat. He said he was too upset about two other kids in his class punching him in the head during lunch. The lunch monitors did nothing. They do it in class and his teacher told him “tell them to stop”. He won’t bring his water bottle anymore because the kids made fun of him. A kid at recess told him he couldn’t play basketball or he’d “kick him in the nuts”.
I know kids were never immune to bullying but it seems the school system can’t do anything about it anymore. He’s a really gentle kid most of the time but he’s absolutely big and strong enough at his age that he could really hurt someone retaliating.
Where is the line between sticking up for himself and walking away? What can we pressure the school to do if this keeps happening? I don’t know what to tell him.
TLDR Version: Take a rational reasonable approach with school staff and leadership, trying to separate past events from current events. Try to uncover the whole truth as kids have just their personal perspective. Understand your options if true physical violence is not being addressed. Recognize that your child could use more support to be more socially prepared to navigate challenging or new situations. Their level of sensitivity could be a piece of the root cause. Seek more support for yourself to understand how to help your child grow up mentally tough and resilient.
Long version:
I have a 6 year old in 1st grade and a 4 year old that will be in in kindergarten next year. I was bullied at times when I was younger. Most kids have experienced it on some level. I am aiming to help my kids in ways my parents struggled to do. I was shy and lacked some confidence when I was young. Most bullying I experienced was verbal. The part of your post I would dig into is the accusation of physical violence. Even truthful kids may embellish or exaggerate events when they feel victimized. Seeking to understand the full truth first is important, even if you are inclined to believe your kid. Also understanding the school's policies and their role in creating a safe environment for all students is important. Ankeny, like most school districts, has anti-bullying policies and can take disciplinary action on kids if true bullying or violence occurs. I suggest taking an approach to positively engage with teachers and school leadership, understand their perspective, and gain their support and advocacy. They will be more likely to take you seriously if you walk in with the understanding that you probably don't have the full picture by just talking to your child. The more you assume these individuals will be guilty by association due to your previous experience, the less productive of a relationship you will have.
Now as for how to handle it with your child:
For me, it was important to learn WHY bullying happens at all, and how bullies choose their targets. Bullies often lash out because of their own insecurity and low self-esteem. They may have challenging home lives, poor role models for parents or guardians, or other underlying behavioral issues. If kids understand the bully's behavior is more about how the bully feels about themselves than anything truly personal about the kid they are targeting, it can help them not get torn down so much by it. Bullies come back to keep bullying the kids that seem to react the most to their bullying. If a kid crumbles, they feel the control and power that they may lack in other parts of their lives. It is also possible the kid just doesn't know how to act. My kid was a bit disruptive in a non-aggressive way in kindergarten. Some additional group sessions with the guidance counselor and maturing and adjusting to the situation ended that pretty quickly. Labeling this as bullying without full understanding or context may be premature.
As with all things, it is better to start by looking internally. I agree with the poster that laid out a plan to raise tough, strong, resilient children. The bullying may seem to be the root cause in your situation, and truly, it is not acceptable for teachers and staff to do nothing if they observe bullying, especially physical. But these are still young kids and what one child may interpret as bullying could be intended as something else entirely. It is not just the child's truthfulness, but also their interpretation of the events that we should consider. Their social ability to navigate situations, set boundaries with others, and problem solve in the moment are the things they can control and that you can influence. Imagine for a moment that the bully is displaying similar behavior to other kids. Do all the kids bullied decide to avoid eating lunch entirely? Do you believe that your child is the only one being targeted and the bully in question shows no behavior issues with anyone else? It is likely that if this is truly bullying, teachers and staff will have noticed a pattern with the bully's behavior. Engage with them to understand to what level your kid might be being too sensitive or perhaps there is troubled child they will need to learn to avoid and cope with.
I would want to empower your child with options on what to do in the moment. The first thing I would want my kid to do is to ask why they are doing that, and then tell them to stop if they don't like it. If the behavior persists, it is appropriate to tell a teacher or staff member. Then move on and do what they want to do, for example, finish their lunch, perhaps sitting somewhere else. Physically stopping kids from touching them while verbally standing their ground to knock that behavior off is also a fair response. The more assertive a child is, the less others will try to pick on them or take advantage of them.
While it may be easy to have the thought in your mind that your kid should not have to deal with bullies in kindergarten, in reality, all of us will have to navigate situations where others are unkind, don't care about us individually, or just don't know how to act. Young kids have the same challenges, just add immaturity to the mix. It is impossible for the adults present to see and hear everything. And even if they stop it in the moment, they are still fighting against the current with some kids. They should continue to take appropriate action, but it is unrealistic to expect an utterly sterile environment where nothing negative ever happens. While not excusing any bullying behavior, you have to know there will be so much more adversity in your child's life, and you cannot always be there to protect them from it. Better to help them and teach them how to face it and overcome it. Your fear that early negative experiences will turn your kid off from school entirely gives these bullies far too much power. You might consider counseling for your child, but also for yourself on ways to help build resilient and confident children.
