Married Fanatics: Joint money or separate money?

[RLD4ISU]

We've always had joint accounts. We've had many years with one income source. I was a SAHM when our boys were younger and 5+ years ago I quit working so I could travel with my husband (joint decision and neither of us regret). Married 39 years this fall.

I know one couple that had separate accounts - found out after they divorced. The husband had his own business. They also had a house rental - all of that money went into his account. He had access to her account and, as far as I know, she was not allowed on his business or personal account. Majority of the bills were paid through her account and often he refused to contribute. Since he had access to her account, he would sometimes pay a bill early, do it right before she was going shopping (sometimes grocery shopping), make it so she didn't have enough funds and had to dip into her personal savings.

 

[ghyland7]

I’m getting married Saturday.

We have a joint account already, where currently we just put in an amount equal to our relative income ratio * monthly expenses (rent, phones, utilities, groceries, anything we both use that we share). I make about 15% more than she does, so I put in about 15% more to the joint account per month for our living costs.

We pay our cars separately as of now.. but her car gets paid off in like 8 months. I paid mine off about 6 months ago. I also plan on helping with her student loans once that starts back up.

We also have separate accounts where the remainder goes. She can buy clothes and I can buy computer parts, and it’s all good. If I ask her out to dinner, I pay for it out of my separate account. If she offers to pick something up on her way home, she pays for it.

I invest in a 401(k) on my own, and she has IPERS.

I don’t think either of us feels that we are trying to hide money from the other or lead separate lives.. we share our living expenses and keep our “extra” to do whatever we want with.

Of course, right now, all of the “extra” is just going straight to wedding costs…. Relatedly, weddings are so expensive!

 

[MNCYWX]

Main joint account but we each have our own separate personal accounts that we syphon off a small percentage of our paycheck to for things that each of us want. Works well for us.

 

[cymate]

Wife and I have been married for a month. Right now our accounts are completely Separate. However we are planning on getting a joint account at some point. We relatively make about the same amount of money, but soon she will be making about 25% more than I am. We don't argue about who pays for what it works well for us.

Mortgage-50/50
TV- me
Electric- me
Internet- me
Grocery- her
Gas/water/sewer/trash- me
Car insurance- separate
Phones-separate
My Car loan- separate
Student loans- separate

 

[madguy30]

We've always had joint accounts. We've had many years with one income source. I was a SAHM when our boys were younger and 5+ years ago I quit working so I could travel with my husband (joint decision and neither of us regret). Married 39 years this fall.

I know one couple that had separate accounts - found out after they divorced. The husband had his own business. They also had a house rental - all of that money went into his account. He had access to her account and, as far as I know, she was not allowed on his business or personal account. Majority of the bills were paid through her account and often he refused to contribute. Since he had access to her account, he would sometimes pay a bill early, do it right before she was going shopping (sometimes grocery shopping), make it so she didn't have enough funds and had to dip into her personal savings.

Not saying you're implying it but this isn't a very good example of separate accounts being the reason for the marriage ending. Sounds like a messy situation with a messy person and their traits just bled into money stuff.

 

[3TrueFans]

You guys have roommates that you also get to **** occasionally.

 

[jdcyclone19]

So your refrigerator breaks and you buy a new one. Does one of you pay for it and then get partially reimbursed by the other? Or do you try and make the store split it like a restaurant check? I get that people do separate accounts but it just seems like a needless complication in life. I only see 2 reasons for it. Somehow makes things easier if you divorce. Or, it was like that before you got married and are just too lazy to change. The second one I can respect (even though it actually makes more work in the long run) but the first seems like a defeatist attitude going in and doesn't bode well for the long term. I guess I'm just missing the point.

We would use joint account for that. We have plenty to cover things like that, trips, etc.

You're missing a third reason - its easy and works for us. We also lived together for 5 years before we were married. Its really not any more work. A few minutes a year? big deal...

Why does it seem so complicated? We have short and long term goals and keep on track to meet them. We're both independent people. Why should I have any say on how she spends her money and what on? She never questions why I buy what I buy and I never question her. All our bills are paid and have a nice savings built up. Both on the same page for long term vision and goal of where we want to be.

Open communication is key.

 

[madguy30]

You guys have roommates that you also get to **** occasionally.

Yes because joint accounts make every day full of butterflies and roses, looking lovingly in one another's eyes and crying because of how great everything is all the time.

 

[jdcyclone19]

I’m getting married Saturday.

We have a joint account already, where currently we just put in an amount equal to our relative income ratio * monthly expenses (rent, phones, utilities, groceries, anything we both use that we share). I make about 15% more than she does, so I put in about 15% more to the joint account per month for our living costs.

We pay our cars separately as of now.. but her car gets paid off in like 8 months. I paid mine off about 6 months ago. I also plan on helping with her student loans once that starts back up.

We also have separate accounts where the remainder goes. She can buy clothes and I can buy computer parts, and it’s all good. If I ask her out to dinner, I pay for it out of my separate account. If she offers to pick something up on her way home, she pays for it.

I invest in a 401(k) on my own, and she has IPERS.

I don’t think either of us feels that we are trying to hide money from the other or lead separate lives.. we share our living expenses and keep our “extra” to do whatever we want with.

Of course, right now, all of the “extra” is just going straight to wedding costs…. Relatedly, weddings are so expensive!

Right on. I don't know your age but I also feel that old generations feel this is taboo and more and more younger couples are going this route.

 

[ghyland7]

There’s a whole lot of “No True Scotsman” going on here.

Many people use joint accounts. Many people use separate accounts. Many people do both. Just because you use one option doesn’t mean the other options are invalid.

Having both works for us. We are both working, and our incomes are relatively close together. We have also lived together for four years without being married. We share expenses for anything we both do, and we have a little on our own that we do whatever we want with. If something comes up that’s not planned or not in our budget, we just… talk about it.

 

[3TrueFans]

Yes because joint accounts make every day full of butterflies and roses, looking lovingly in one another's eyes and crying because of how great everything is all the time.

Hey, having a roommate that you get to **** is pretty sweet.

 

[ScottyP]

My wife and I have joint accounts. It makes it easier when going through our budget at the end of the month. If I need to have a separate account to spend on certain things, I probably shouldn't spend it.

 

[Bader]

We would use joint account for that. We have plenty to cover things like that, trips, etc.

You're missing a third reason - its easy and works for us. We also lived together for 5 years before we were married. Its really not any more work. A few minutes a year? big deal...

Why does it seem so complicated? We have short and long term goals and keep on track to meet them. We're both independent people. Why should I have any say on how she spends her money and what on? She never questions why I buy what I buy and I never question her. All our bills are paid and have a nice savings built up. Both on the same page for long term vision and goal of where we want to be.

Open communication is key.

The disconnect is your reference to “her money”. You’re in a codependent relationship, there is no “my money” “her money” to those on the other side of this.

 

[ScottyP]

We would use joint account for that. We have plenty to cover things like that, trips, etc.

You're missing a third reason - its easy and works for us. We also lived together for 5 years before we were married. Its really not any more work. A few minutes a year? big deal...

Why does it seem so complicated? We have short and long term goals and keep on track to meet them. We're both independent people. Why should I have any say on how she spends her money and what on? She never questions why I buy what I buy and I never question her. All our bills are paid and have a nice savings built up. Both on the same page for long term vision and goal of where we want to be.

Open communication is key.

I think the having a main joint account with some separate spending accounts is pretty common. If a couple doesn't have any joint account together at all, it might be a concern. Example: what if a spouse loses their job?, who pays the mortgage, etc. Having everything completely separate would be a mess (in my opinion).

 

[Cyclone06]

Just here to be that guy and say if you have separate bank accounts with your spouse, I immediately question the quality of your relationship. Sorry for that, just being real. I know you have your reasons, but I am not buying them as important enough.

 

[madguy30]

The disconnect is your reference to “her money”. You’re in a codependent relationship, there is no “my money” “her money” to those on the other side of this.

Codependency can be unhealthy to a relationship.

If two people agree to have their own money for their own hobbies or interests or going out to eat with their own friends or whatever, isn't the most important point that it was communicated?

 

[JM4CY]

Hey, having a roommate that you get to **** is pretty sweet.

I’m gonna have to try prison then.

 

[wxman1]

I stuff mine in a mattress and he has a tin can in a wall behind the aerial shot of the family farm.

hhhmmm I will be driving through this weekend and could use some spending money.

 

[jdcyclone19]

The disconnect is your reference to “her money”. You’re in a codependent relationship, there is no “my money” “her money” to those on the other side of this.

Totally get it. This is where different strokes for different folks comes into play. Some people just can't comprehend that something that is different than their way of doing things is totally fine. If it doesn't work for them, cool, do what works best for you. But when people start projecting that you have a bad relationship, there's no reason for it, you're hiding stuff, etc., its just BS because people are set in their own ways.

 

[madguy30]

Just here to be that guy and say if you have separate bank accounts with your spouse, I immediately question the quality of your relationship. Sorry for that, just being real. I know you have your reasons, but I am not buying them as important enough.

I've known people that had joint accounts that got divorced.