Who gets a place at the table?
No doubt college football has become a big extended, dysfunctional thing, so let’s take a look at this situation, family reunion style. You know those kinds of big, weird parties that you have to attend once a decade to catch up with folks you might not choose to spend time with over your friends. Historically, the bottom feeders from the current BCS squads stand the most to lose in Re-alignment scenarios so we’ll likely see them make an appearance. Some outsiders and Johnny come lately types will surely be found hovering around the dessert table if nothing else.
That clean cut guy over there is BYU. He’s a bit odd and we don’t know too much about him other than he never takes a drink of the light stuff and I don’t think I have ever heard him swear. Despite being a complete outsider here he gives a nod and a wave to old great-grampa Notre Dame. Do we even know who he’s related to? Oh, it’s okay I guess. He’s a nice guy.
Old Notre Dame stands off by himself nursing single malt scotch he brought with him and won’t share. He definitely commands an odd respect in the room depite folks mostly not knowing if he’s a half-crazy wealthy old eccentric or a retired , shrewd media mogul. Probably the truth is somewhere in between, but no doubt he’s an elitist jerk who rarely talks to anyone.
Vanderbilt is that old uncle over in the corner chatting in a sophisticated southern lilt, undoubted talking over the heads of a couple of bruising hulks he knows who have wandered in from the Big Room. He’s eccentric and cerebral, and doesn’t clearly fit in well with the crowd, but you know he’s related to the important folks. From his stories, it’s clear the ties go way back.
Duke is the brainy, effeminate hipster over the in corner mostly by himself and seems pretty much fine with that as it makes his aloof demeanor and condescending tone acceptable if somewhat pathetic. He’s mostly an irrelevant in the room, and the crowd largely ignores him. He mostly lounges around making banal conversation with his preppy little brother Wake Forest and cousin Northwestern, an aging beatnik who I think is pretty wealthy.
Those tall old guys across the room are Indiana, Kentucky, and Kansas. Kentucky and Kansas are clearly more fat and happy than that curmudgeon from Indiana, but all are good fellas. They don’t mix much with most of the group and seem content to largely talk basketball and argue about historical stuff that no ones cares about in this room.
You can hear that Old uncle Minnesota stopped by with the “Oh YAH” and “you betcha” count doubling in under a half hour. Those guys who made Fargo sure pegged those folks. Old Minnesota’s a pretty good guy, who never has lived up to the stories he tells about wrestling with the big boys. Same with his brother Illinois and cousin Purdue. Neat stories with a kind of mythical characters and all, but they seem unaware that their yarns are much more tall tales than serious accounts of glory.
Those old country guys Iowa State and Kansas State kicked their muddy boots off and came on in still kind of stinky from manure and silage. They are good honest guys, humble and self-effacing and spend a lot of their time BSing with Missouri. No one has a bad thing to say about them, but I don't think people know much about them since they come from small towns and just play by the rules and be a good friend. Too easy to overlook them.
Old MIZZOU is a weird old guy who spends quite a bit of time trying to make you think he’s a rich lawyer when really he’s mostly been a small time businessman his whole life. He would like to think he can sit around and talk to Vandy like a genteel southern gentleman but Mississippi State is the closer kinfolk. He seems to be hovering around the bar pretty close to the Big Room, looking in and bending an ear to listening and trying to make eye contact with those guys.
All three seem to be having a good time giving Mississippi State a hard time. They can only go so far since they know he’s got some of the big boys looking out for him despite the fact that everyone thinks he kind of a redneck who they wish would get in his rusty old pick up just go away.
Texas Christian just got invited to the party this year and frankly no one really knows why they are here – there was a rumor floating around that they recently made a killing in the stock market or won a million bucks in the Pick3 or something like that.
Does anyone really know the little punk with the spray tan Rutgers? I won’t ask who he’s related to because no one will claim him. He talks like he’s from the big city out east, but who really knows. He mostly just tries to brag about his big city friends all their money and the nightlife, but folks mostly just give him crap about the Jersey Shore. It’s fun watching him get ****** off, slam a beer and bite out a piece of the can and show it to those nearby trying to ignore him.
The annoying little red-headed step-cousin elbowing his way toward the roast beef is Boise State. He has been through a growth spurt recently and has grown a head taller than the rest of the sixth graders but he’s here. He mostly just awkwardly wanders about annoying Notre Dame and a few other old timers, whining about not getting moved up from the kids table.
Nobody knows what the hell Washington State and Oregon State are talking about – they seem to have brought their own food – looks like mostly granola and canned organic beans. They set their backpscks down in the garage but haven’t taken off their North Face jackets. They look like they would rather be fly fishing or something.
Well, I gotta go. A fight broke out in the Big Room. I think that crazy old bachelor Aggy is picking a fight with the family patriarch, and he might just get himself a good beating. It’s funny but sad at the same time. He’s clearly drunk as a skunk and it’s just really embarrassing. Big Room doesn’t quite know what do with him, but it’s clearly causing a stir.