Tuesday OT: Home for the Holidays (and what you hate about it)

[CycloneRulzzz]

Guess home for the holidays now means my house since my parents are gone and it’s just me and one of my sisters. Wife wants Christmas of yesteryear to occur so it basically sucks around the house for Christmas time since times change.

Our holiday tradition is Xmas Eve on my mom's side Xmas on my Dad's. However like your case with passing's over the years and people moving away for the winter Xmas Eve on my mom's side has dwindled from healthy double digit numbers of people to the amount the people can be now be counted on 1 hand.

 

[RLD4ISU]

This is more about the holidays in general than just going home, but here it goes.

The guilt. My husband and I alternate holidays with family (Thanksgiving Day with my family and Christmas Day with his family and then flip it the next year), and even with this in place, I always feel like we're disappointing someone.

Also, the pressure to make things perfect/live up to what I see from my friends online. We don't have a tree up because we don't have room for one. I will never do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Matching pajamas might happen if I have the energy and plan ahead in time. We have not yet taken our child to see Santa because last winter and the current one are horrible for sickness and we don't need any additional exposures. But then I see all these things on my social media feeds and I wonder if I'm failing as a mom.

Stop feeing guilty and like you're disappointing someone. Do what's best for your family. Also, step away from social media or don't take it at face value. I've figured out most people put stuff on their page to make their life appear perfect and it's not usually how their life is. Do what you can, do what means the most to you & your family. If you feel the need to get a Christmas tree, maybe consider one of those small table top ones? Not sure how old your kids are, but (speaking from my experience as a kid and now empty nester parent) kids will remember what you do together and some of the most random things you wouldn't think that make them happy. One year my sister and I set out cobs of corn on the front yard - one for each reindeer. The next morning just the empty cobs with a few scattered kernels of corn were left. My boys would talk about things like going for a drive to look at lights or when they heard Santa (a neighbor stood outside and jingled bells). They also talked about the note Santa would leave them - which I highly recommend you use your non-dominant hand to write just in case they decide to play detective when they get older. My recent favorite was when I gave my great nephews reindeer poop and elf snot for Christmas (colored slime). LOL - all other gifts were shoved aside! I know some people that give/get 3 gifts - something to read, something you want and something you need. I love that idea.

Just don't ever feel like you need to do what everyone else is doing. You are NOT failing as a mom.

 

[BCClone]

This is more about the holidays in general than just going home, but here it goes.

The guilt. My husband and I alternate holidays with family (Thanksgiving Day with my family and Christmas Day with his family and then flip it the next year), and even with this in place, I always feel like we're disappointing someone.

Also, the pressure to make things perfect/live up to what I see from my friends online. We don't have a tree up because we don't have room for one. I will never do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Matching pajamas might happen if I have the energy and plan ahead in time. We have not yet taken our child to see Santa because last winter and the current one are horrible for sickness and we don't need any additional exposures. But then I see all these things on my social media feeds and I wonder if I'm failing as a mom.

From my own vantage point and the other dads I know. We aren't extremely keen on the matching pj's. Moms and kids, no problem, but dads are happy to just see and not participate in that.

Screw social media, that's why I don't do anything but CF. A good mom is not one who has to validate their "goodness" by posting it everywhere. I don't remember much for toys or gifts I received during childhood, but I do remember things we did and things that happened. Spending time with your kids, however you do it, is the right way to spend it. Don't cookie cutter being a mom, because that is when you will probably fail or feel you have, be a mom the best you can and feel is right and I guarantee that that will be the best thing you can do for your kid.

 

[CRcyclone6]

Was listening to Two Guys Named Chris, and laughing listening to Hassel talk about his dad's house. The heat being set at 60, all the curtains shut, and a bright TV.
What's your gripe about going home? Having to sleep on your old, crappy mattress? Your mom getting our your old baby book to embarrass you?

Mine is crappy toilet paper. I don't feel like I buy the nicest stuff but man alive, my parent's TP of choice feels like sandpaper.

Mine was always going back to my dad's and using his Irish Spring soap. He used to have 12 freaking bars under the sink. Dad, it's you and me, we don't need 12 bars of Irish Spring.

 

[Al_4_State]

We're pretty much past this stage, but for many years at my side of the family's Xmas it was the process of opening gifts. In all there were 18 of us, including 8 young kids. We'd start at the youngest and go, one person at a time, one present at a time, with plenty of time for "ooohs" and "aaaahs" after the opening of EACH gift. It would literally take no less than 4-5 hours to get through it. Excruciating. Painful. And it sucked.

This is my idea of Hell on Earth.

I know a guy who's wife's family did this, but on an even bigger scale. She was one of like 8 kids, and all 8 of those kids had 3 or 4 of their own. All 60 people would exchange gifts with each other and everyone had to all sit around and watch each person open every single gift. It got up to 12 hours at one point.

This is what I generally hate about Christmas - an over emphasis on giving gifts and all the financial burden and forced give-a-****. I enjoy my family but I absolutely can't stand this part of things.

 

[1UNI2ISU]

The sheer volume at which my parents consume all media.

 

[cowgirl836]

This is more about the holidays in general than just going home, but here it goes.

The guilt. My husband and I alternate holidays with family (Thanksgiving Day with my family and Christmas Day with his family and then flip it the next year), and even with this in place, I always feel like we're disappointing someone.

Also, the pressure to make things perfect/live up to what I see from my friends online. We don't have a tree up because we don't have room for one. I will never do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Matching pajamas might happen if I have the energy and plan ahead in time. We have not yet taken our child to see Santa because last winter and the current one are horrible for sickness and we don't need any additional exposures. But then I see all these things on my social media feeds and I wonder if I'm failing as a mom.

Our tree has like 6 ornaments on it cause the lights are all failing and then reach of goblins is too much energy for me to deal

 

[Al_4_State]

As others have said, the guilt of not being able to be everywhere at once. My parents are divorced and my wife's parents aren't. My dad's extended family all still gets together for Christmas as well (which is easily the most fun Christmas we have because no one expects you to bring gifts and it's just a big party).

We see my wife's parents more socially than we see either of my parents, but my dad and I work together so that means my in-laws and my mom think we just hang out all the day, but really we're both very busy and our interaction at work is as professional as it is with the other people we work with. Because I see my dad every day at work (and working with family has it's own challenges) I'm not in the mood to spend a ton of social time with him (I have so little free time as it is). Basically, all of our parents want to see more of us than they do, and they all think the others get more time with us, so there's this 3 way mutual jealousy and then the process of planning where we're going for each of Xmas and Thanksgiving just gets to be tough.

We created a system where we set 3 days (Thanksgiving, Xmas, and Xmas Eve) and there's a 3 year rotation where when it's your year, you get to pick the day. Then the rest of the three days goes to whichever didn't get to pick first that year and it usually works out. But on top of that, we always work an alternate day to observe the holiday with each group. So that's 3 Thanksgivings and 3 Xmases (4 Xmases when you include the extended family one). At least we're within an hour of everyone.

 

[cowgirl836]

I will say the politics of being adults vs kids/college/young adults makes wrinkles. I knew early on I didn't want to travel Xmas day once we had kids. Wanted to wake in own beds and open toys at their house with time to play. Have kept that boundary several years on but doesn't mean their wasn't griping.

 

[ScottyP]

This is more about the holidays in general than just going home, but here it goes.

The guilt. My husband and I alternate holidays with family (Thanksgiving Day with my family and Christmas Day with his family and then flip it the next year), and even with this in place, I always feel like we're disappointing someone.

Also, the pressure to make things perfect/live up to what I see from my friends online. We don't have a tree up because we don't have room for one. I will never do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Matching pajamas might happen if I have the energy and plan ahead in time. We have not yet taken our child to see Santa because last winter and the current one are horrible for sickness and we don't need any additional exposures. But then I see all these things on my social media feeds and I wonder if I'm failing as a mom.

I am friends on facebook with someone who always goes above and beyond on the holidays and such (matching pajamas, decorations, etc.) . Instead of being impressed, I find myself thinking that they are trying way too hard.

 

[NickTheGreat]

I guess I'm lucky in that my parents are great (where we typically spend Christmas) with no social, political or economic dynamics to mess everything up. I enjoy that my kids spend Christmas morning in the same house with mostly the same people I did thirty years ago. Nothing more magical than fresh snow on an Iowa farm.

But the 3 day rule is real. I'll give you that.

 

[carvers4math]

We’re the old people that the kids come home to. A couple of them have girlfriends but that isn’t as messy as married people splitting time.

My MIL is still alive but after a few awful December drives to Canada, we don’t do that any more. Last Thanksgiving we went there was pre-Covid. That one is usually easier cause it’s over a month before American Thanksgiving. Last time we went for Thanksgiving was when they all were fighting over who made what, so the other “out-laws” and I made the whole dinner while husband’s family argued.

And that’s the bad part of ever going there, the drama. It’s always stressful and there is no escape.

 

[baller21]

This is my idea of Hell on Earth.

I know a guy who's wife's family did this, but on an even bigger scale. She was one of like 8 kids, and all 8 of those kids had 3 or 4 of their own. All 60 people would exchange gifts with each other and everyone had to all sit around and watch each person open every single gift. It got up to 12 hours at one point.

This is what I generally hate about Christmas - an over emphasis on giving gifts and all the financial burden and forced give-a-****. I enjoy my family but I absolutely can't stand this part of things.

One of our family get togethers is like this but only 10-12 people so it only takes about an hour. I would flat out refuse to attend anything close to the marathon you described.

 

[cycub51]

The marathon Christmas opening and the insistence that we start everything at 10 pm Christmas Eve by my SIL. She grew up in Brazil and that’s their tradition but she has no kids and sleeps in everyday while our little kids go to sleep late and wake up at like 6 and are a disaster Christmas Day. Then we get to hear the rest of the family criticize our kids for being a disaster.

 

[madguy30]

This is more about the holidays in general than just going home, but here it goes.

The guilt. My husband and I alternate holidays with family (Thanksgiving Day with my family and Christmas Day with his family and then flip it the next year), and even with this in place, I always feel like we're disappointing someone.

Also, the pressure to make things perfect/live up to what I see from my friends online. We don't have a tree up because we don't have room for one. I will never do the Elf on the Shelf thing. Matching pajamas might happen if I have the energy and plan ahead in time. We have not yet taken our child to see Santa because last winter and the current one are horrible for sickness and we don't need any additional exposures. But then I see all these things on my social media feeds and I wonder if I'm failing as a mom.

Echoing what others have said and this is more of a big picture approach to life in general but one of 1,000s of reasons to unplug from real social media is the feeling of being compared to others.

 

[NoCreativity]

Then everyone shows up, eats and immediately leaves.

This is my family exactly. I have a 2 hour drive to get to family gatherings and everyone else has a 10 minute drive. Guess who's the last one there and guess who's too busy to stay more than an hour to eat?

 

[RLD4ISU]

This is my family exactly. I have a 2 hour drive to get to family gatherings and everyone else has a 10 minute drive. Guess who's the last one there and guess who's too busy to stay more than an hour to eat?

I hear ya. We used to live nearby and often would host. Now we have a 5+ hour drive and try to make it to either Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both.

 

[KnappShack]

Sick people.

Signed,
Knapp "Covid and Flu in the last 3 1/2 weeks" Shack

 

[CascadeClone]

PLANNING with my family - just picking a date to all get together. No one wants to commit or rule out a day, everyone wants someone else to pick a day (that then won't work for them). It's impossible. My sister is 4 hours away, my kids are grown up, so everyone is on a different schedule. And don't get me started on "we should do something different and fun this year" either.
Once we all get to where and whenever - then its all good, great time. Just the planning is a nightmare.

 

[CascadeClone]

The sheer volume at which my parents consume all media.

WHAT?!?