Any Recently Divorced CF'ers?

[ISUCyclones2015]

The internet serves certain purposes, this is not one of those purposes. It's not that difficult to understand. The next time you find yourself in a situation follow this basic rule:

You need tips on basic day to day activities? Go to the internet.

You need help with an issue of a personal nature? Find a damn friend.

What if you have gone to your friends and want other advice? Or maybe he couldn't offer any because he's never been in that kind of situation. Maybe his friend doesn't care. Maybe his friend is out on a 10-day safari trip and can't be contacted. Maybe he has no friends? Maybe he doesn't want his friend to know because his friend's wife is friends with his wife and might spill the beans.

There is no cut and dry rule. If you want information and advice fast, go on the internet. It will at least give another opinion.

 

[CyArob]

Just because there's all this data being put on here. It doesn't mean it's worth a damn.

I'd venture a guess it's 90% x-rated stuff anyway.

And 9.9% cat gifs.

 

[MNCYWX]

And 9.9% cat gifs.

And 0.1% CF

 

[ISUCyclones2015]

Just because there's all this data being put on here. It doesn't mean it's worth a damn.

I'd venture a guess it's 90% x-rated stuff anyway.

Edit: I see this has already been touched on by others.

4% of the top 1million most visited webpages are porn related.

13% of all web search is porn related.

 

[CYphyllis]

What if you have gone to your friends and want other advice? Or maybe he couldn't offer any because he's never been in that kind of situation. Maybe his friend doesn't care. Maybe his friend is out on a 10-day safari trip and can't be contacted. Maybe he has no friends? Maybe he doesn't want his friend to know because his friend's wife is friends with his wife and might spill the beans.

There is no cut and dry rule. If you want information and advice fast, go on the internet. It will at least give another opinion.

Or you could rely on your own social intelligence - you know, that **** you should have been cultivating throughout the entirety of your existence.

 

[CycloneErik]

I've never seen a thread derailed by a vigorous and odd apologetic for the Internet.
As unexpected things go, this thread is really something, and I found it on the Internet.

 

[RING4CY]

Personally, if she wants to go to counseling, I would do it, in part so you don't have "what ifs" to worry about. You could make it clear up front that you are at the point of wanting a divorce, but want to work it out (if you at all do). You've clearly been married a while, so this isn't the kind of thing that just suddenly disappears if you want out, especially if you have kids.

You obviously are approaching this fairly seriously, and have had enough, but I'd see what counseling does. You have nothing to lose if you go, but possibly a lot to gain. If that doesn't help, you are going to get a divorce, which you wanted anyway.

I agree with this. I would go to the counseling. Do everything you can to salvage the marriage, so you eliminate all "what ifs". That way, when you've done everything you can to do to save the marriage, you can be confident in whether or not going through with the divorce is the right call.

Plus, if she is wanting to go to counseling, you can say you did it for her (but not as something to throw back in her face later on.)

 

[RING4CY]

The internet serves certain purposes, this is not one of those purposes. It's not that difficult to understand. The next time you find yourself in a situation follow this basic rule:

You need tips on basic day to day activities? Go to the internet.

You need help with an issue of a personal nature? Find a damn friend.

Then your friend tells you to google it to resolve your personal problems.

 

[ISUCyclones2015]

Or you could rely on your own social intelligence - you know, that **** you should have been cultivating throughout the entirety of your existence.

I could walk around NYC all day asking people if they are divorced an had received marriage counseling. Which would take an extreme amount of time to get any relevant information.

OR

I can go to the internet and get relevant information basically instantly

 

[Chitowncy]

Do you have children who are minors? I think you need to think long and hard about what's in the best interest of your children before you file for divorce. Think about the example you are setting for them.

I feel sorry you are in this situation, but as hard as it is, try to think about the ramifications on your children. Be selfless and think of them first.

That's just my two cents.

 

[cyrocksmypants]

Personally, if she wants to go to counseling, I would do it, in part so you don't have "what ifs" to worry about. You could make it clear up front that you are at the point of wanting a divorce, but want to work it out (if you at all do). You've clearly been married a while, so this isn't the kind of thing that just suddenly disappears if you want out, especially if you have kids.

You obviously are approaching this fairly seriously, and have had enough, but I'd see what counseling does. You have nothing to lose if you go, but possibly a lot to gain. If that doesn't help, you are going to get a divorce, which you wanted anyway.

This. Ignore all of the other dribble going on in this thread.

The last thing you want to do is second guess when it's too late. If she's willing to try to do what she thinks it takes, it's worth it. If it still doesn't work out, it was only a select number of months in your life spent trying.

 

[MNCYWX]

4% of the top 1million most visited webpages are porn related.

13% of all web search is porn related.

Doesn't mean it's not 90% of the data!

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I'm in the crowd that thinks some things the internet isn't the best thing for. This is one of them.

 

[TXCyclones]

Do you have children who are minors? I think you need to think long and hard about what's in the best interest of your children before you file for divorce. Think about the example you are setting for them.

I feel sorry you are in this situation, but as hard as it is, try to think about the ramifications on your children. Be selfless and think of them first.

That's just my two cents.

Thank you. I have an amazing 16 year old daughter (who has already decided to go to ISU) and we've talked about this extensively. Her only fear is that she was afraid she'd never get to see me due to my travel. But we would aim for 50/50 and I'd get to see her every week that I don't travel (I set my schedule). She said, "you guys haven't been happy for a long time, and I want to see you happy". I feel like as much as I owe her to have a stable life I owe her to see how to be happy, as well. She's truly an amazing kid.

 

[KnappShack]

Lived it, brother.

1. Even when a divorce needs to happen it isn't easy. This will be a challenging chapter in your life. My divorce needed to happen and there wasn't a lot of fighting. We filled out the divorce docs online and agreed to call it a day. That sounds easy, but it wasn't by any stretch
2. Try not to let the thought of "failure" into your mind. It's easy to start replaying the marriage and events that started it going south. Divorce happens. Plenty of fault to go around. Forgive yourself and your ex. Easy to day....very different to actually do
3. Rediscover who you are. It quite possibly will be different than before the marriage.
4. Give yourself time to heal. It could take time. Don't worry about that. It's your life and you live by your timetable

I don't wish divorce on anyone. It can change a man, but you can gain wisdom and be a much better husband with #2. You're in my thoughts

 

[ISUCyclones2015]

Thank you. I have an amazing 16 year old daughter (who has already decided to go to ISU) and we've talked about this extensively. Her only fear is that she was afraid she'd never get to see me due to my travel. But we would aim for 50/50 and I'd get to see her every week that I don't travel (I set my schedule). She said, "you guys haven't been happy for a long time, and I want to see you happy". I feel like as much as I owe her to have a stable life I owe her to see how to be happy, as well. She's truly an amazing kid.

Is she stable mentally?

From a kid with divorced parents perspective. My parents divorced when my sister was 16 and she ran away for a year. Literally. Dropped out of HS and then left. Cops couldn't find her but she would call every once in a while and say she was okay. Never got the full story about what happened during that year but the divorce was a huge blow to an already unstable person.

 

[Wesley]

Everyone who meets her for the first time thinks she's great. She's bubbly and energetic and very nice... to everyone else. I get the leftovers, the gossip, the nagging, etc. We've done counseling 9 years ago when we were in crisis and she stopped going because she decided she was out of crisis, and chose not to work on other personal issues that lead us there. She's saying she wants to go to counseling now, but I don't - I'm done. Just curious if others here have gone through it. A bit worried about the "next step".

There are some gals like that. Nice to outsiders and tough on their partners. basically her real personna is tough. If she has not changed in that many of years, time to move on. Counseling cannot fix stuff like this very easily.

 

[Wesley]

4% of the top 1million most visited webpages are porn related.

13% of all web search is porn related.

Obviously, these people are lacking stuff in their real life.

 

[Chitowncy]

Thank you. I have an amazing 16 year old daughter (who has already decided to go to ISU) and we've talked about this extensively. Her only fear is that she was afraid she'd never get to see me due to my travel. But we would aim for 50/50 and I'd get to see her every week that I don't travel (I set my schedule). She said, "you guys haven't been happy for a long time, and I want to see you happy". I feel like as much as I owe her to have a stable life I owe her to see how to be happy, as well. She's truly an amazing kid.

I think that is very wise to already begin the conversation with your daughter. Every child is different, but at 16, she may be mature enough to understand the circumstances.

Plus, if you and your spouse have worked out custody arrangements already (the more specific, the better), and you don't feel there's any risk of reneging, then I think you're both taking a fairly level-headed approach to the process.

Best of luck.

 

[dosry5]

You don't work with SpokaneCy, do you?

 

[roundball]

Do you understand the difference between good information and the **** you get from the internet? If you don't, then I feel sorry for you.

Factor in the anonymity involved, too, where we can just provide anything and pretend it's advice.

To pile on, volume of information doesn't equate to quality. I feel sorry for people that can't figure that out.

ISUCyclones2015 is a twenty-something college student, so he knows everything.

The Internet is a medium, and just like TV or books or any other means of transmitting information, it has its limitations. Anonymity, bias, the difficulty of verifying information, and so on are just a few.