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qwerty said:
Blond MEN Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife
are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
Click to expand...
Heard all these a "bit" differently...;)
 
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Not a joke but I'm home with Covid and Blair Witch Project is on and it's funny to think how unprepared these folks were for backpacking, and how bad they were at holding cameras even in the 90s.
 
Uranus. Yeah, our seventh planet is rocking an atmospheric blend of hydrogen sulfide. That’s the same compound responsible for that unmistakable rotten egg scent. Turns out, middle schoolers are right. Uranus really does stink.
 
Sven and Ole joke for you I posted in previous thread sometime ago.

Ole and Sven go ice fishin. Ole pulls out his new thermos and Sven says to him, "Ole, whatcha got der?".
Ole says, "Well Sven, dis here's a thermos. It keeps hot tings hot, and it keeps cold tings cold."
After a while, Sven gets curious and says, "Vell Ole, whatcha got in dat der thermos?"

Ole says, "Vell Sven, I got a popsicle, and two cups a coffee."
 
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Two Amish women, Lena and Hannah, were digging potatoes in the garden. Lena picked up two and held them side by side and proclaimed to Hannah "these look just like Jacob's balls! Hannah asks "Jacob's balls are that big?"
Lena replies "NO, they're that dirty"
 
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Two Priests were traveling from one parish to another when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The driver rolls down his window and the cop says "we're looking for two child abusers". The priest in the passenger seat leans forward and says "we'll do it!"
 
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Frank and his buddy John decided to use a different outfitter for their annual fly-in moose hunting trip. The pilot landed on the lake, taxied to the dock and helped them unload their gear. He then stated "I'll be back at noon exactly one week from today. Have all your gear packed and on the dock. Keep in mind because of the size of this plane I will only be able to fly out of here with one moose. Good luck".
After a very successful week, Frank and John had their gear and two moose waiting on the dock and the pilot showed up as promised. Seeing the second moose, he said "I told you only one moose". John then pointed out that "last year's pilot had the same sized plane, and he flew us out of here".
After much discussion, and the pilot not wanting to be out done, he decided to give it a go and they loaded everything up. He taxied out further than normal, poured the gas to it, and just broke the water, escaping before the beach and barely clearing the trees when everything went wrong, dumping everything in the forest.
Dazed, John poked his head out of the rubble and asked Frank "what the heck happened and where are we?" Frank, equally confused, looked around and then stated "It looks like we're about 100 yards further than last year!"
 
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Two elderly gentlemen, John and Frank each have grandsons playing baseball. As they watched them play they began to reminisce about their glory days of playing ball. John turned to Frank and said, “do you suppose that they have baseball in heaven?” Frank says, “I don’t know…but that is an interesting thought.” A few weeks later Frank passes and John is a little depressed about it. On Wednesday night Frank visit John in a dream and says, “John, I have good news and bad news about heaven.” John says, “That’s wonderful, what’s the news?” Frank then says, “well, the good news is that they do have baseball in heaven!” and then pauses. John says, “what’s the bad news?” Frank then says, “the bad news is you pitch on Friday!”
 
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Here's a two for one:

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't know. Why?"
"To go to the loser's house."

After pausing to enjoy the confused look on the other person's face...

"Here's another one. Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"The chicken."
 
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A state trooper is patroling the interstate when he spots a man driving a pickup truck with six penguins in the back. The patrolman pulls him over.

"What seems to be the problem, Officer?"
"Well, why do you have six penguins in the back of your truck?"
"Oh, that. I was driving down the highway and I saw these six penguins wandering around by the side of the road. So I stopped and loaded them in the back of my truck, but I don't know where I should take them."
"You should take them to the zoo!"
"That's a great idea."

About a week later the trooper sees the same guy driving his pickup down the freeway, again with the six penguins in the back. But this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels. He pulls the truck over.

"What seems to be the problem this time, Officer?"
"I pulled you over last week. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
"I did. This week I'm taking them to the beach."
 
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One hot summer afternoon, a penguin’s car starts giving him trouble, so he takes it to the local mechanic. The mechanic wipes his hands on a rag, looks under the hood, and says, “Give me about an hour, I’ll see what I can find.”

The penguin, with some time to kill, decides to cool off with an ice cream cone. It’s blazing outside, and between the heat and his flippers, eating the cone is a bit of a disaster. By the time he’s finished, the poor penguin is a sticky, drippy mess, with melted ice cream all over his beak and chest.

When he waddles back into the shop, the mechanic pokes his head out from under the hood and says, “Welp, looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin quickly wipes at his face and says, “Oh no, it’s just ice cream.”
 
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