Humor`

[cydnote]

I've always traversed life with the idea that a little humor is a good thing. It never hurts to put a smile on someone's face. I have a tolerance for off-color jokes (in the right setting) that others may not have, avoiding putting others in an uncomfortable situation. After all, the end goal is to lift somebodies spirit--not to make it worse. Sometimes things seem bad enough that all we have left to do is laugh, and for an instant at least, that puts you in a better place. If you know your audience, you can give them that moment even if they don't presently need it--they may share it with someone that does.

Maybe this subject has been beaten to death on other platforms but i don't frequent them. If you have a joke to share I'd be willing to hear it (keep in mind your audience). I'll lead off with this:

A man and his wife just get seated at a fancy restaurant. Almost immediately a beautiful women appears out of nowhere and kisses the man on the cheek. In awe, the wife asks "what was that all about?" The man responds with "that was my mistress." The wife throws up her arms and declares "well, I'm leaving you--I want a divorce". The man then states "Well, if that's what you want, then Okay, just remember there won't be anymore vacations to the Riviera, no more Paris shopping sprees, no more gifts of diamonds for birthdays, anniversaries etc. About that time their friend John walks in with a blond wrapped around his arm. The wife notices and asks "Who is that with John--it's not his wife" The man replies "that's Johns mistress". The wife then proclaims "she's not as pretty as ours, is she?"

 

[Mr Janny]

Here's an oldie, with multiple variants, but it never fails to make me laugh.


One time, Chris Hassel was traveling for CBS. He stopped for lunch in a little rural town. Finding no other restaurant, he stopped at an empty looking bar and grill.
As he walked in, he found he was the only customer in the entire place. Behind the bar was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Dirty blonde hair, full red lips, a body like a bottle of Coca Cola, she was absolutely stunning. She gave Chris a long glance and asked in a sultry voice, "What can I get you?"
Hassel looked her up and down, and suavely responded, "Well, that depends on what is on the menu..."
The blonde smiled and motioned towards a handwritten sign posted behind the bar. It said:

MENU
BEER - $3
HAMBURGER -$5
HAND JOB -$10

Chris read the sign twice, to make sure he wasn't just seeing things. Slowly, he reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet and withdrew a 10 dollar bill. The bartender drew a small breath of anticipation. Chris reached out to the woman to hand her the bill, but pulled back at the last second.

"One question" he asked, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

The blonde's smile got even bigger. "Oh, you bet, sugar!" she said sweetly.

Chris handed her the cash and said, "Well, wash your hands woman, and make me two hamburgers!"

 

[frackincygy]

In the theme of 'audience' when telling a joke:

A man walks into a bar in Iowa City and settles up to the bar. He sits amongst a group already seated and in an effort to make 'small talk' asks if they'd like to hear a joke about the Iowa Hawkeyes. The young man sitting next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, the man sitting to your right is 6'3" 240# and plays linebacker for the Hawkeye football team. Beside him is his 6'5" 280# defensive tackle team mate and I'm the 6'2" 285# heavyweight on the wrestling team. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The man looks around, thinks for a moment and responds: "Never mind, I don't really feel like explaining it three times."

 

[cyfanatic13]

Another oldie but a goodie

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What do I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

 

[cytor]

An oldie, but a goodie:

Bathroom at JTS hafltime during a ISU-Iowa game. An ISU fan and an Iowa fan are finishing up at the urinals. The ISU fan zips up and proceeds to the exit. The Iowa Fan goes to wash his hands. The Iowa fan catches up to the ISU fan as says, " At the University of Iowa they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." The ISU fan replies, " At ISU they teach us not to piss on our hands."

 

[RagingCloner]

Big fan of this thread-

A priest is having an issue with his car, and needs a ride to work. A local Uber driver picks him up at his home to take him to the local Parish. They have some great conversation regarding ISU, religion, and the best Ames pizza joint. As they drive through campus town, they see an individual wearing black and gold walking down the sidewalk. Suddenly without warning, the driver jumps the curb and hits the gas. At the last possible second, he swerves back down off the curb, and back onto the road. The driver begins to apologize profusely to the priest, as he doesn't know what came over him or what would cause him to act like that, and that maybe it was brief demonic possession even.

The priest calmly looks over at the driver and says "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"

 

[Acylum]

841K views · 21K reactions | This is kind of funny | Scott Freda

This is kind of funny

www.facebook.com

 

[Ankency]

Heard this one a few years ago. A guy is walking into an iowa men’s basketball game when he realizes he left his tickets in the car. As he is walking back to get them, he sees the front passenger window has been broken out so he thinks OH NO!! Someone stole my tickets!! So he runs up to the car, looks in the window and sees someone has put 2 additional tickets in the seat next to the 2 he forgot

 

[CYEATHAWK]

Proud parents from Minnesota of an Iowa freshman are on their way to Iowa City and filling up with gas in Ames at a convenience store. Dad walks in to ask directions to Iowa City. The cashier says to go south until you smell s***, then east until you step in it.

 

[BCClone]

Here's an oldie, with multiple variants, but it never fails to make me laugh.


One time, Chris Hassel was traveling for CBS. He stopped for lunch in a little rural town. Finding no other restaurant, he stopped at an empty looking bar and grill.
As he walked in, he found he was the only customer in the entire place. Behind the bar was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Dirty blonde hair, full red lips, a body like a bottle of Coca Cola, she was absolutely stunning. She gave Chris a long glance and asked in a sultry voice, "What can I get you?"
Hassel looked her up and down, and suavely responded, "Well, that depends on what is on the menu..."
The blonde smiled and motioned towards a handwritten sign posted behind the bar. It said:

MENU
BEER - $3
HAMBURGER -$5
HAND JOB -$10

Chris read the sign twice, to make sure he wasn't just seeing things. Slowly, he reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet and withdrew a 10 dollar bill. The bartender drew a small breath of anticipation. Chris reached out to the woman to hand her the bill, but pulled back at the last second.

"One question" he asked, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

The blonde's smile got even bigger. "Oh, you bet, sugar!" she said sweetly.

Chris handed her the cash and said, "Well, wash your hands woman, and make me two hamburgers!"

I always heard this as a cheese sandwich instead of hamburgers.

 

[Gonzo]

Lots of good, funny stuff here. I'll just offer up what is IMO the greatest dad joke of all time. Driving on a highway or interstate with my daughter or daughters, and I see big bails of hay in a field on the drive, I simply say... "Hey." and point to it. Daughter/daughters instinctively look up to me from their phone, then to where I'm pointing, and see the hay.

Always works, and brings about the same response of "I hate you." as they look back down to their phone. Makes me smile every time.

Then a few years ago, I found these online...

Guess what both of my daughters got for Christmas that year?

 

[PineClone]

My buddy was telling me about his time as a paratrooper, and how nervous he was the first time they deployed from an airplane. He was at the end of the line, and when he finally approached the door, he hesitated. At this point the sergeant yells in his ear, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA TAKE MY BIG **** AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!

I said, "Holy cow! Did you jump?"

He said, "A little."

 

[CascadeClone]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There is a sign for a blood drive - you get a free drink if you donate.
They all go up to donate, and the nurse asks "What's your blood type?"
Priest says "Type A"
Minister says "Type B"
Rabbit says "I'm not sure, but I think I'm a typo"

 

[Mr Janny]

I've told this one before, and I always get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Not always the listeners so much. It helps if you really get demonstrative when you tell it, and really drag things out. Also helps if everyone is drinking.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1.000.000.003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, looking terrible. His clothes are dirty and threadbare. His hair is long and unkempt. And sure enough, he's uncontrollably flailing his arms around and nodding his head. He looks miserable. The two other men walk over to him, to greet him. Before they can say a word, the man whimpers solemnly: “Guys, I think I ****ed up.”

 

[nfrine]

I've told this one before, and I always get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Not always the listeners so much. It helps if you really get demonstrative when you tell it, and really drag things out. Also helps if everyone is drinking.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1.000.000.003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, looking terrible. His clothes are dirty and threadbare. His hair is long and unkempt. And sure enough, he's uncontrollably flailing his arms around and nodding his head. He looks miserable. The two other men walk over to him, to greet him. Before they can say a word, the man whimpers solemnly: “Guys, I think I ****ed up.”

I wouldn't recommend you quit your day job....

 

[ruxCYtable]

I don't have anything appropriate to offer at this time, but I also love this thread. The world has gotten too negative and divided. We all need to laugh.

 

[cydnote]

Speaking of genie jokes:

A man is walking along the beach, and of course stumbles upon a bottle. While brushing the sand off, a genie appears, and yes, grant him three wishes. The one caveat though is that no matter what he wishes for his mother-in-law gets twice as much.

So for his first wish, he wants a 30 foot yacht. So bam, a 30 foot yacht shows up on the water and next to it is his mother-in-law‘s 60 footer. I’m fine with that, he stated. for my second wish I would like $1 million in gold sitting on the deck of my new boat. Of course $2 million in gold was placed on mother-in-law‘s yacht.
The genie then said “ take your time and think this out you only have one wish left, so make it count”.
The man thought for a while, and then said “ I want you to beat me half to death”

 

[Bipolarcy]

I've told this one before, and I always get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Not always the listeners so much. It helps if you really get demonstrative when you tell it, and really drag things out. Also helps if everyone is drinking.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1.000.000.003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, looking terrible. His clothes are dirty and threadbare. His hair is long and unkempt. And sure enough, he's uncontrollably flailing his arms around and nodding his head. He looks miserable. The two other men walk over to him, to greet him. Before they can say a word, the man whimpers solemnly: “Guys, I think I ****ed up.”

For a joke to be funny, it at least has to make sense, which this one never comes close to. There has to be a reason he asked for the things he did that ties back into what the other two asked for. To just say he effed up for the punchline is anticlimactic after reading through that whole long thing. And I can't believe I've stooped to telling someone how jokes work.

 

[Cyclones_R_GR8]

For a joke to be funny, it at least has to make sense, which this one never comes close to. There has to be a reason he asked for the things he did that ties back into what the other two asked for. To just say he effed up for the punchline is anticlimactic after reading through that whole long thing. And I can't believe I've stooped to telling someone how jokes work.

In all fairness he did say "Also helps if everyone is drinking." I assume a lot.

 

[RagingCloner]

I don't have anything appropriate to offer at this time, but I also love this thread. The world has gotten too negative and divided. We all need to laugh.

You mean like this?

For a joke to be funny, it at least has to make sense, which this one never comes close to. There has to be a reason he asked for the things he did that ties back into what the other two asked for. To just say he effed up for the punchline is anticlimactic after reading through that whole long thing. And I can't believe I've stooped to telling someone how jokes work.