Humor`

[cyfanatic13]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "you're in here quite a lot. Do you think you may be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and POOF! vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about the famous philosophy of Rene Descartes’, ‘I think therefore, I am”, but if I had tried to explain that before I told the joke, I would've been putting Descartes before the horse

 

[Gonzo]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "you're in here quite a lot. Do you think you may be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and POOF! vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about the famous philosophy of Rene Descartes’, ‘I think therefore, I am”, but if I had tried to explain that before I told the joke, I would've been putting Descartes before the horse

 

[BuffettClone]

In fairness, my wife @Angie thinks it's really stupid, so...

I know how you feel. My wife thinks all my jokes are really stupid, she only laughs at me when I'm not trying to be funny.

 

[MeanDean]

I was telling some of my buddies about this thread last night at the local watering hole. I remembered a couple, but for some reason I have trouble remembering many jokes. My one buddy was telling dozens of Hok jokes. It was great. He might have had a few too many. I volunteered to drive him home but he insisted he was fine.

Big mistake...

I hung around about 20 minutes after he left. I was driving home and there were all these emergency vehicles. I looked over and saw a mangled vehicle that looked like it might be my buddy's pick up. It was tough to tell because it was very bad. My heart kind of stopped and I pulled over to see what was happening.

There were cops and EMS all over the place. I talked to one cop that seemed to be in charge. He told me the driver was killed instantly. Still wondering if it was my buddy I asked him if they had identified the body. He said, no they hadn't. I told him my buddy has a truck similar and he was probably driving on this road. He said if I was okay with it he could maybe have me identify the body if it was him.

I gathered up my courage and the cop told me again how bad it was. The guy was decapitated. Am I sure I'm okay doing this?

I hesitated but then I decided I had to do it.

The cop reached down under the covering and grabbed the decapitated skull by the hair and held it up just high enough so I could see it but not high enough for anyone else to notice.

He said, "Is this your buddy?"

I said, "Well, it kind of looks like him, but he was a lot taller."

 

[pourcyne]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "you're in here quite a lot. Do you think you may be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and POOF! vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about the famous philosophy of Rene Descartes’, ‘I think therefore, I am”, but if I had tried to explain that before I told the joke, I would've been putting Descartes before the horse

Just walk away, Re-Neigh...

 

[cyspy]

You can have the duck.

 

[cydnote]

A rendition of this was told on the Johnny Carson show, so maybe it will fly here:
Two good old boys were sitting on their front porch sippin' whiskey and bored with the afternoon. To liven things up, John asks Frank if he would like to play "20 Questions". Unfamiliar with the game, Frank asks John how it works. John explains that he will write an item down and Frank gets up to 20 questions to ask that will give him clues as to what John wrote, If Frank guesses it, he wins, if not John wins.

Frank agrees to play, and John, really wanting to win, writes "mule c*ck" on the paper, assuring himself that Frank will never get it narrowed down.

They start and the first question Frank asks is "is it something you can eat?' John hesitates and then replies "well , , ,I guess you could". Frank says "Is it mule c*ck?

 

[IsUaClone2]

It's a rainy dreary day when three ducks walk into a bar. They climb up on stools and order a round of beers.

After they get served the bartender comes over and says "I haven't seen you guys in here before; may I ask your names?" The first one says "I'm Huey". The bartender says "Hi Huey; what have you been doing on this dreary day?" Huey says "Having a great time going in and out of puddles."

The bartender moves over to the next duck and says "And what's your name?" The next one says "I'm Louie." The bartender says "Welcome Louie and what have you been doing this miserable day?" Louie answers "I'm having a great time going in and out of puddles."

The bartender moves over to the third duck and says "Don't tell me; you're Dewey right?" The third duck says, "No; I'm Puddles."

 

[RagingCloner]

Probably pushing the envelope with this one too much, but thats okay.

**trying to work around the CF bleep button**

Little Johnny comes home from school to find his grandfather on the front stairs, puffing on a big old cigar. Johnny, being curious, says "Gee Grandpa that cigar sure looks good, can I have one?" Grandpa looks at Johnny and says "That depends. Does your d^ck touch your azzhole?" Johnny replies "Of course it doesnt Grandpa, thats disgusting" "Well then, you cant have a cigar"

The next day, Johnny is outside with the neighbor kids, playing baseball in the field across from his grandparents house, and sees his grandfather walk out onto the porch with a cold Ames Lager. Excitedly, he runs up to his Grandpa and politely asks "Grandpa that beer looks great! Can I have one?" Again, Grandpa replies "Does your d^ck touch your azzhole?" Johnny, learning that this line of conversation goes nowhere, heads back to his friends, chuckling to himself and shaking his head.

A short time later, after the baseball game, Johnny heads out to his grandparents back deck, where he watches his grandfather finish mowing the lawn. Seeing him out in the heat, his grandmother brings him out a plate of cookies, and a cold tall glass of lemonade. As he is finishing mowing, he calls out to Johnny, "Boy them cookies look tasty, can i have one?" Johnny giggles and says "Hey Grandpa, does your d^ck touch your azzhole?" Grandpa smirks and says "As a matter of fact, it does!"

"Then go f^ck yourself, Grandma made these for me!"

 

[IsUaClone2]

Recently I met a guy that I first met years ago in the Army. He was quite the drinker back then; he had already had several DUI's. After some small talk I asked him if he had scaled back his drinking. He said not really; I take the bus now and just grin at the cops when they wave me through. Problem is, I got all these busses.

 

[Joe4Cy]

Old Man Schwartz retires and leaves the family hardware business to his son, Johnny.

Six months go by and OMS asks Johnny how business is.

“Not so good, Pop. Sales are down. No one comes to the store anymore.”

“Yup. That happens. Try some advertising, like a billboard to get out name out.”

“That’s a good idea!”

A few weeks pass and OMS is driving through town. He looks up to see a billboard with Jesus Christ nailed to the cross. The tagline reads, “Use Schwartz nails,”

Immediately, he pulls off and calls his son. “Johnny, that’s totally inappropriate! You need to change it asap.”

“Well, okay, Dad.”

Few weeks pass and OMS is again driving through town. Looks up to see the billboard, now with an empty cross and a body slumped over at the foot of the cross.

“You should’ve used Schwartz Nails!”

 

[qwerty]

Old Man Schwartz retires and leaves the family hardware business to his son, Johnny.

Six months go by and OMS asks Johnny how business is.

“Not so good, Pop. Sales are down. No one comes to the store anymore.”

“Yup. That happens. Try some advertising, like a billboard to get out name out.”

“That’s a good idea!”

A few weeks pass and OMS is driving through town. He looks up to see a billboard with Jesus Christ nailed to the cross. The tagline reads, “Use Schwartz nails,”

Immediately, he pulls off and calls his son. “Johnny, that’s totally inappropriate! You need to change it asap.”

“Well, okay, Dad.”

Few weeks pass and OMS is again driving through town. Looks up to see the billboard, now with an empty cross and a body slumped over at the foot of the cross.

“You should’ve used Schwartz Nails!”

May the Schwartz be with him?

 

[MLawrence]

Three individuals were set to be executed by the guillotine- a lawyer, a priest, and engineer. The lawyer is up first, and the executioner pulls the lever but nothing happens.

Fearing a lawsuit citing cruel and unusual punishment, the lawyer is set free. Next up is the priest. The executioner pulls the lever but nothing happens once again.

Fearing that it was divine intervention, the priest is set free as well. Finally, it’s the engineer’s turn. The engineer looks up and down the guillotine and proclaims, “I know what your problem is.”

 

[cydnote]

Several engineers were attending a conference and starting discussing "what kind of engineer could have designed the human body?" One of them stated it must have been an electrical engineer. When queried as to why he thought this his reply was something to the effect of who else could have engineered the process of sending signals from the brain to the muscles and other organs to make them function properly. After some discussion, another piped in that it had to be a mechanical engineer--who else could have designed the skeleton and make it function the way it does, allowing us the movement that we have and the ability to grasp things and such. More discussion ensued and finally someone suggested a civil engineer. When asked his reasoning, the man replied "who else would have put a sewer system so close to a recreational area"

 

[ISU2010!]

I once heard this one on a sermon at church. Have not forgot it since.

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven and meets St. Peter. St. Peter talks to him and says: “Listen, heaven is getting pretty crowded. We need to cut back on the number of people we let in today. I can only let in people who experienced particularly traumatic deaths, so tell me how you died.”

The man explains: “I always suspected my wife was cheating. One day I left work early and went home to catch her. I get home and can tell something is wrong. I searched the whole place—nothing. Finally, I went out to the balcony to smoke, and there’s this guy hanging off the edge! I said AH-HA! I knew you were here somewhere! I went crazy. I tried to smash his hands with my fists, but he managed to hang on. I went inside, got a hammer, and smashed his hands until he fell….but he landed in the bushes and lived! I was so mad, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it off the balcony and it crushed him. Unfortunately, my heart gave out gave out from it and I had an heart attack, so here I am.”

St. Peter nods, “That’s definitely dramatic. You’re in.”

Another man steps up and St. Peter explains the whole situation about Heaven being full to him.

The second man says to St. Peter: “You’re not gonna believe this. I live on the 20th floor of an apartment. I was out on my balcony doing my daily exercises when I slipped and fell. By some miracle I grabbed the balcony below. A man walks out and I think I am saved, but the man goes crazy. He starts beating my hands with his fists. I manage to hold on and he disappears inside. Just when I think he has given up, he comes back out with a hammer and hits my hands. I have to let go and I fall all twenty stories to the ground below. By some miracle, I land in a bush and survive. As I gather myself to get up, a fridge falls out of the sky and crushes me to death.”

St. Peter winces. “That’s a wild one. You can enter Heaven.”

The next man in line steps up and St. Peter explains the situation.

The man says: “Picture this: I’m in bed with a married woman, and her husband suddenly shows, so I hide inside her refrigerator…”

 

[tleonwdm]

An old man and his attorney are called to a mtg with the IRS.
They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $5000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed. The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!". The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees. The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye. The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that? Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer: " tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, piss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk." the tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet. The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up pissing all over the agent's desk. The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer shaking his head in disbelief. "what's wrong with you" he asked. The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $20,000 that he could piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

 

[qwerty]

I'm not claiming this but your young kids might want it for a school joke.

Why should you never throw false teeth at a vehicle?
It might denture car.

 

[IsUaClone2]

SFW

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who know binary and those who don't.

 

[Cyclones_R_GR8]

SFW

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who know binary and those who don't.

I had that as my signature at work for many years.

 

[ISUCubswin]

Stolen from Chris Pratt on Conan. Gets me every time.

Dieter and his grandson Peter are sitting on a hill overlooking their village.

Dieter turns to his grandson and says “look down there, you see all those houses down there? I built those houses with my bare hands. And do they call me ‘house builder?’ No.

And look over there, you see that big church? I built that church with my bare hands. Do they call me ‘church builder?’ No.

And you see that wall that shields our village from outsiders? I built that wall, stone by stone, all by myself. And do they call me ‘wall builder?’ No.

But you **** a pig one time.