relationship advice

carvers4math

Well-Known Member
Mar 15, 2012
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I'm a married woman, not a man, but I guess my concerns are a little different. It appears your wife realizes this woman should never be around your children. Why does your wife value herself so much lower than your children? Doesn't she deserve better too?

One of the biggest issues with kids is that they really watch more what we do than what we say. Another big issue is the friends they choose. What your wife is showing them is that it is ok to leave them for a weekend so she can go off with a friend that makes so many bad choices that she can't be around them.

Also, if she insists on going, what would she think if you went too? (assuming there are relatives or someone to watch the kids.)

I guess my thought is that people really have no business around "friends" that are so irresponsible that they should never be around their children. Would she want your children to have friends like this?
 

cytheguy

Well-Known Member
May 23, 2006
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I'm a married woman, not a man, but I guess my concerns are a little different. It appears your wife realizes this woman should never be around your children. Why does your wife value herself so much lower than your children? Doesn't she deserve better too?

One of the biggest issues with kids is that they really watch more what we do than what we say. Another big issue is the friends they choose. What your wife is showing them is that it is ok to leave them for a weekend so she can go off with a friend that makes so many bad choices that she can't be around them.

Also, if she insists on going, what would she think if you went too? (assuming there are relatives or someone to watch the kids.)

I guess my thought is that people really have no business around "friends" that are so irresponsible that they should never be around their children. Would she want your children to have friends like this?

My brother's ex needs to learn this. If dumping children off on grandparents for an evening or entire weekend to go out with friends were a sport, she'd be national champ every year.
 

scyclonekid

Well-Known Member
Feb 13, 2008
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Talk about all the concerns you have and point out possible situations that could happen with this friend of hers. Let her go on trip if you trust your wife to make good logical decisions when hanging out with her friend. Good luck.
 

scyclonekid

Well-Known Member
Feb 13, 2008
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I guess I just don't get why she is friends with this trouble maker when you do not want your children around her? I would find new friends.
 

bosco

Well-Known Member
Dec 21, 2008
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Des Moines
I have some experience in the thought process of a female.

1. she is going to go if you want her to or not.

2. She wants you to not want her to go.

3. She wants you to want her to go

4. She wants you to talk to her about your concerns.

5. Do Not under any circumstances get mad or confused about her desire to go and wanting you to not wanting her to go.

6. You're boned.
 

Stormin

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2006
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First of all. I would talk to my wife about it and tell her that even though you trust her, you don't trust her friend. And you feel that if your wife lets her guard down, and becomes intoxicated, that this friend will try to influence and corrupt your wife and make your wife like her (the friend).

I was single until my late 20's. I ran pretty hard. Believe me when I say that married women running around till 4 am or even 2 am is not a good idea. In my day, those women were on the take. No matter what they told their husbands....or even their boyfriends.

Tell your wife that you really do not want her to go. It is her decision. But she should think of you and the children you have in making the decision. Caution her that while you trust her, that placing herself into this kind of situation could end up jeopardizing your relationship to the point that a misstep could damage it. First of all, a mother has no business being out until 4 am. Sorry. But the bars close at 2 am. I know what happens. It is not good. And she needs to be a good influence on her children. 11 pm. fine. 12 pm. no later. And tell her you think it is a better idea for a romantic getaway for you two or a weekend with the family. If you are like most families, money is somewhat budgeted for entertainment.

This woman friend is bad news. Talk to your wife's sister or family and figure out how to get her away from that friend ASAP. I have seen friends like this one break up good marriages and turn them bad.
 

CarolinaCy

Well-Known Member
Apr 18, 2008
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Thanks for all the feedback. It's a tough situation because the "good" couples we have met have all moved away for new jobs or have children. This couple goes to the bar frequently, and while we drink a lot too (no kids and lack of activities around here) we have told each other we don't want to be like them in the long run. We are early 30-ish so a lot of people would hang out with have children.

I have been looking for new jobs like crazy if only to find a new place to raise our future children. We have talked, cried, and prayed about our direction as far as where our happiness is in term of jobs and cities. Also, I would not talk to her parents for personal reasons.

Everyone talking about the OP's children must have missed this post. The OP and his wife do not have children, yet. At least according to this post.

To the OP, maybe befriending couples with children isn't such a bad idea. Seems like your wife would benefit from hanging out with women who are more responsible and think more about others than themselves.
 

Dopey

Well-Known Member
Nov 2, 2009
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Everyone talking about the OP's children must have missed this post. The OP and his wife do not have children, yet. At least according to this post.

To the OP, maybe befriending couples with children isn't such a bad idea. Seems like your wife would benefit from hanging out with women who are more responsible and think more about others than themselves.

BUT THE CHILDREN!!! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!
 

Stormin

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2006
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Everyone talking about the OP's children must have missed this post. The OP and his wife do not have children, yet. At least according to this post.

To the OP, maybe befriending couples with children isn't such a bad idea. Seems like your wife would benefit from hanging out with women who are more responsible and think more about others than themselves.

OK. It appears they are somewhat religious since he mentions they have "prayed" about their future direction. Perhaps an appeal to his wife's religious moral conviction is in order.

At any rate, this friend is a type of cancer that should be eliminated. I have seen it happen many, many times in my many, many years that a friend influences the other and in a moment of weakness a marriage is destroyed. If the wife values the marriage she should recognize the possible threat and eliminate it.
 

kilgore_trout

Well-Known Member
Nov 10, 2006
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Madison, WI
that happens with robots sometimes. -:
OK. It appears they are somewhat religious since he mentions they have "prayed" about their future direction. Perhaps an appeal to his wife's religious moral conviction is in order.

At any rate, this friend is a type of cancer that should be eliminated. I have seen it happen many, many times in my many, many years that a friend influences the other and in a moment of weakness a marriage is destroyed. If the wife values the marriage she should recognize the possible threat and eliminate it.
 

temperflare

Well-Known Member
Jul 9, 2007
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Bondurant
Need advice from the married men here.

My wife's best friend here (only because we don't know many people) is going to Nashville to visit her friend. My wife lives Nashville so she is going to go with. The friend is a horrible influence on my wife, drinks all the time, gets in fights with her husband, and in general is not the type of person we would ever have our children be around. Because they fight she is always talking about how being faithful is stupid, how women should be able to do whatever they want whenever they want, and similar comments. The kicker is she had an abortion with another man's baby that her husband doesn't know about (my wife told me). BTW the girl in Nashville uses drugs.

I can't tell her not to go but If I say anything about her friend she will say I don't trust her.

Ideas?

This is easy. If the roles were reversed and it was a friend of yours, would your wife let you go?

The answer is hell no.

Be a man and protect your wife and your marraige from her idiot friends. That should come first and there houldnt even be a debate about it.
 

stevefrench

Well-Known Member
Aug 7, 2011
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Need advice from the married men here.

My wife's best friend here (only because we don't know many people) is going to Nashville to visit her friend. My wife lives Nashville so she is going to go with. The friend is a horrible influence on my wife, drinks all the time, gets in fights with her husband, and in general is not the type of person we would ever have our children be around. Because they fight she is always talking about how being faithful is stupid, how women should be able to do whatever they want whenever they want, and similar comments. The kicker is she had an abortion with another man's baby that her husband doesn't know about (my wife told me). BTW the girl in Nashville uses drugs.

I can't tell her not to go but If I say anything about her friend she will say I don't trust her.

Ideas?

you're going to need to take her friend to pound town. and, you dont need to wear a rubber since you know she's willing to "take care of it".
 

ThurgoodMarshal

Well-Known Member
Jul 18, 2011
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Ankeny, IA
The only logical solution is to hire a private investigator in Nashville.
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Cyclones_R_GR8

Well-Known Member
SuperFanatic
SuperFanatic T2
Feb 10, 2007
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Omaha
This is easy. If the roles were reversed and it was a friend of yours, would your wife let you go?

The answer is hell no.

Be a man and protect your wife and your marraige from her idiot friends. That should come first and there houldnt even be a debate about it.
I've never been married and even I know it isn't that easy.