Humor`

[RagingCloner]

Sorry to bump this, but found this hilarious-

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.


One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."


The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."

 

[qwerty]

Someone reported a hole in the nudist colony wood fence.


The police are looking into it.

(from men drinking coffee on dock)

 

[cydnote]

A man is rolling down the highway and when he glances at the rearview he notices the lights are on behind him. He hesitates briefly then pulls to the shoulder and the officer follows him and approaches his car. The officer then states to the man "You were over the speed limit, but not excessively, but what bothers me is you didn't pull over immediately, so I tell you what: It's Friday afternoon. You don't want a ticket and it's more paperwork for me if I issue you one." "If you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you off this time." The man thought for a second and then proclaimed "My wife recently ran off with a highway patrolman--I was afraid it was you bringing her back"

 

[qwerty]

 

[Pope]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says to him "you're in here quite a lot. Do you think you may be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and POOF! vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about the famous philosophy of Rene Descartes’, ‘I think therefore, I am”, but if I had tried to explain that before I told the joke, I would've been putting Descartes before the horse

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[Pope]

A skeleton walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender "I'll have a beer and a mop".

 

[qwerty]

What's blue and smells like red paint?




blue paint

 

[12191987]

I've told this one before, and I always get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Not always the listeners so much. It helps if you really get demonstrative when you tell it, and really drag things out. Also helps if everyone is drinking.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1.000.000.003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 500 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, looking terrible. His clothes are dirty and threadbare. His hair is long and unkempt. And sure enough, he's uncontrollably flailing his arms around and nodding his head. He looks miserable. The two other men walk over to him, to greet him. Before they can say a word, the man whimpers solemnly: “Guys, I think I ****ed up.”

I read the later comments before going back to read this joke, expecting it to be a groaner at best (but likely just a non sequitur).

The punchline made me laugh.

 

[nfrine]

A son comes home from school and tells his dad he landed a part in the school play.

"What part are you playing?" his father asked.

"I play the part of a man that has been married 25 years" the son replied.

"That great" dad said. "Maybe next year you can get a speaking part".

 

[cytor]

A wife watched her husband trip and drop a laundry basket full of freshly ironed clothes. She saw it all unfold.

 

[cytor]

Which part of the hospital is the worst hiding place?

The ICU

 

[cytor]

My friend thinks bartenders are boring, but I find them intoxicating.

 

[cytor]

In high school, I did well in every subject except Greek Mythology.

You could say that class was my Achilles' Elbow

 

[EnkAMania]

SIAP. The inventor of auto correct has died. His funnel is tomato. May he roast in piss.

 

[Gonzo]

What's blue and smells like red paint?




blue paint

Why did the firefighter wear bright orange suspenders?

To keep his pants up.

 

[cytor]

How come farmers don't wear green tennis shoes?

Pioneer doesn't give them out.

 

[CycloneRulzzz]

618K reactions · 14K comments | #fblifestyle | Lynn Berg

#fblifestyle

www.facebook.com

 

[qwerty]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks as the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then, " he said with a deep sigh . . . . . . .



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[qwerty]

 

[qwerty]

Blond MEN Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife
are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."