Son, you having been doing a poor job cleaning your room. There are dirty socks on the floor and your bed isn't made. This has occurred in three of the past five days. It is expected of you that these things are taken care of daily. Fix it now and at all points in the future or you will be grounded from video games.
Son, you are a worthless, lazy child. I put a roof over your head and this is how you act? I should have left you at the orphanage with all the other bastard children whose real parents didn't want them either.
Now which is which?
Coach, you've been doing a poor job of leading our MBB program over the last three plus years. The results are just not where good Iowa State fans expect them to be.
We have had no winning seasons, we are winning less than 30% of our conference games, and we have not been anywhere close to making the postseason. You have beaten zero ranked teams in your tenure and, more disturbingly, have lost games to the likes of South Dakota at home. You have recruited some players of suspect talent and you have not been able to retain some of the most talented players in the program. Attendance is starting to sag and, even more problematic, our home court advantage is just not what it once was.
I have been around this program longer than you and I know that better results are possible at ISU. The last time we had a coach that coached here for 4 years and did not make any postseason appearances was in the late 70s when Lynn Nance was our coach. In the 23 seasons prior to your arrival, we were in the postseason 15 times including 1 Elite Eight appearance, 2 Sweet 16 visits, 4 Second Round visits, and one NIT Semi-final appearance. We used to regularly beat ranked teams...especially in Hilton.
With the talent we have on our current team, I am expecting that we will be a participant in the postseason this year. If we do not achieve this result, I ask that you do the gentlemanly thing and resign from your position as head coach and release us from our current contractual obligations to you. Thank you.